lately, i've been thinking about what i really want in life. (now take this with a grain of salt, because if i have learned anything in the last 18 months it is that i have zero control over my life...) i'm discovering that i have been incredibly influenced by what my friends and some of the people who are around me really want in life, and it turns out those things are not what i really want. i thought i wanted a really big family, to have all my children really young so that we could be young with them and so on and so forth. i thought 26 was the ideal age to have a baby, and then that window slowly came to a close. so then i thought, yeah 27! 27 is a good age to have a baby... but now that window is slowly coming to a close... so now i think 28! come on 28! right? but in all reality, that may not be the story God is writing for me. and as i slowly let go of these "ideals" i thought i really wanted, i'm discovering that i'm falling in love with the story the Lord is writing for me. and as i've let go of my expectations, God has not disappointed me. He knows and promises me he will give me exactly what i need. so why do i fight it so hard?
its so easy to compare yourself to those around you. but step back, and really evaluate what is perfect in the story that the Lord is writing for you. at one point in scripture, i think its peter who asks Jesus if a group of men will be going to heaven after Christ promises heaven to peter and john. peter points over to them and says well what about them Jesus? will they be going to heaven too? Christ looks at peter and says, "that is of no concern of yours." you may be looking around you wondering why so-and-so has what you don't and why God has not given it to you yet. but just as Jesus said, that is of no concern of yours! the story he is writing for you is what is perfect for you! and no one else. let him write. and trust him as he accomplishes the good work he began in you.
love this song lately! hope it blesses you :)
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
perfect timing
so... i haven't written in awhile. part of that was because we didn't have internet for quite some time after moving in and part of it is because i just couldn't bring myself to write. the last few months have been a bit of a harder journey with the Lord (let's just say i had some anger and bitterness in my heart that i didn't even know existed until these last few months...) but God is so graciously bringing me out of that and i am ready to write again.
so just a quick catch up of the last few months - when i encountered my anger stage (for the first time in 16 months) a sweet friend of mine pointed out to me that i may be going through the stages of grief, which i had already OBVIOUSLY thought of on my own being a Human Development and Family Studies major and all... (nope. hadn't thought of that at all. thanks a lot CSU ;)) anyways. as i processed through that thought i felt like so much came together for me. no i haven't experienced the loss of a child, or even a miscarriage, but perhaps i am grieving the possibility of children lost by not being able to maybe ever even have a child. now notice all the disclaimers i put in that sentence- that is because i believe my God is still able! and i am trusting him for that.
dave and i have recently had some testing done at a doctors office here in town. so far, all of the testing has come back completely normal. completely normal. which means that if God has so chosen to, he could have easily given us a baby at any point in this past year and a half. he has a reason for why he has not! and seeing all those results has only confirmed in my heart more than ever that his timing is perfect! he does not delay! he does not make mistakes! he knows exactly what he is doing. and he has planned before the beginning of time, in his perfect sovereignty, my life, dave's life, and and life of the little ones he may or may not give us. God is so incredible!
its amazing how when you go for quite some time without something, you start to question how much you really want it. this month marks 18 months for us. a year and a half of attending baby showers, receiving baby announcements, hearing of pregnancies and then seeing those babies be born... and i am still barren. i feel like as hard as this last year and a half has been at times, i am finally starting to really embrace where God has us. God has given me four and a half incredible years of marriage with my amazing, Christ centered husband and i couldn't ask for more. in fact, lately i've been scared that a baby would really mess that up ;) (of course if we got pregnant, we would be thrilled...) but for now, i'm thankful for sleeping in on the weekends, going to old town and staying up late eating fudge and ice cream, being freed up for ministry with women whom i love and adore, and learning from my friends who have children so that if one day the Lord does decide to give us a baby, we will be able to tell them how much they were prayed for and how excited we are to have them.
this verse really spoke to me a little while ago. at several points in the last few months i have bought into the lie that God's word has nothing to offer and that it won't comfort me anymore. oh man this could not be further from the truth! for all of you who God is calling to wait on him for something- trust him! surrender! fight to be in his word daily! he is worthy! keep asking! he wants your heart. and in his perfect timing - he will answer. it may not be yes - but he will answer. and his answer is always worth waiting for.
so just a quick catch up of the last few months - when i encountered my anger stage (for the first time in 16 months) a sweet friend of mine pointed out to me that i may be going through the stages of grief, which i had already OBVIOUSLY thought of on my own being a Human Development and Family Studies major and all... (nope. hadn't thought of that at all. thanks a lot CSU ;)) anyways. as i processed through that thought i felt like so much came together for me. no i haven't experienced the loss of a child, or even a miscarriage, but perhaps i am grieving the possibility of children lost by not being able to maybe ever even have a child. now notice all the disclaimers i put in that sentence- that is because i believe my God is still able! and i am trusting him for that.
dave and i have recently had some testing done at a doctors office here in town. so far, all of the testing has come back completely normal. completely normal. which means that if God has so chosen to, he could have easily given us a baby at any point in this past year and a half. he has a reason for why he has not! and seeing all those results has only confirmed in my heart more than ever that his timing is perfect! he does not delay! he does not make mistakes! he knows exactly what he is doing. and he has planned before the beginning of time, in his perfect sovereignty, my life, dave's life, and and life of the little ones he may or may not give us. God is so incredible!
its amazing how when you go for quite some time without something, you start to question how much you really want it. this month marks 18 months for us. a year and a half of attending baby showers, receiving baby announcements, hearing of pregnancies and then seeing those babies be born... and i am still barren. i feel like as hard as this last year and a half has been at times, i am finally starting to really embrace where God has us. God has given me four and a half incredible years of marriage with my amazing, Christ centered husband and i couldn't ask for more. in fact, lately i've been scared that a baby would really mess that up ;) (of course if we got pregnant, we would be thrilled...) but for now, i'm thankful for sleeping in on the weekends, going to old town and staying up late eating fudge and ice cream, being freed up for ministry with women whom i love and adore, and learning from my friends who have children so that if one day the Lord does decide to give us a baby, we will be able to tell them how much they were prayed for and how excited we are to have them.
this verse really spoke to me a little while ago. at several points in the last few months i have bought into the lie that God's word has nothing to offer and that it won't comfort me anymore. oh man this could not be further from the truth! for all of you who God is calling to wait on him for something- trust him! surrender! fight to be in his word daily! he is worthy! keep asking! he wants your heart. and in his perfect timing - he will answer. it may not be yes - but he will answer. and his answer is always worth waiting for.
"From of old no one has heard
or perceived by the ear,
no eye has seen a God besides you,
who acts for those who wait for him"
or perceived by the ear,
no eye has seen a God besides you,
who acts for those who wait for him"
::isaiah 64:4::
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
too wonderful
one way the Enemy frequently attacks my heart in this season is by making me feel defeated. its amazing how i can read so many promises about the Lord and have him reveal himself so abundantly and consistently in my life and then one little prayer goes "unanswered" and i doubt everything he's proved to me that he is. i am so faithless! and yet he loves me the same... i'm so thankful that even in my wavering God loves me in his perfect way. i've never known such love!
a few days ago i was feeling weak and inadequate to fight hard against the lies that were coming my way... "you're never going to get pregnant" - "you're never going to find a job" - "you will always be in debt" - so silly right? but so believable in the moment... its amazing how some days the spiritual warfare is so intense you are literally fighting the battle moment by moment. God is gracious to meet me well on these days and to help me fight - but this day i was feeling particularly susceptible to Satan's schemes. i was on the phone with a sweet friend who challenged me and asked me what scripture i meditate on when feeling this way and this is what came to mind. i wanted to share with you so that you who may feel similarly to me may be encouraged.
in genesis, God promises Abraham that his offspring will be as numerous as the sand on the shore and the stars in the sky. many years go by and Sarah, his wife, is infertile. although God has promised them that their offspring will be as numerous as the stars in the sky, they panic and Sarah tells Abraham to sleep with their servant, Hagar. yeah, this kind of drama is in the bible, can you believe it? :) so Hagar becomes pregnant and of course drama ensues... but that's not the point of my story. Sarah and Abraham doubted God's promise - just as i do everyday with the ones he's promised me... and even after they mess everything up, God redeems it - as he always does. God appears to Sarah, years and years after she has stopped menstruating (in fact they think Sarah was around 90 years old when she gave birth to Isaac!) and tells her that she is going to conceive. now hang in here with me because this is where it gets really good! Sarah laughs when the Lord tells her that he is going to open her womb, and the Lord replies to Abraham, "'why did Sarah laugh and say, 'shall i indeed bear a child, now that i am old?' is anything too difficult for the Lord?'"
is anything too difficult for the Lord? in some translations the word, "difficult" translates to the word, "wonderful"...
a few days ago i was feeling weak and inadequate to fight hard against the lies that were coming my way... "you're never going to get pregnant" - "you're never going to find a job" - "you will always be in debt" - so silly right? but so believable in the moment... its amazing how some days the spiritual warfare is so intense you are literally fighting the battle moment by moment. God is gracious to meet me well on these days and to help me fight - but this day i was feeling particularly susceptible to Satan's schemes. i was on the phone with a sweet friend who challenged me and asked me what scripture i meditate on when feeling this way and this is what came to mind. i wanted to share with you so that you who may feel similarly to me may be encouraged.
in genesis, God promises Abraham that his offspring will be as numerous as the sand on the shore and the stars in the sky. many years go by and Sarah, his wife, is infertile. although God has promised them that their offspring will be as numerous as the stars in the sky, they panic and Sarah tells Abraham to sleep with their servant, Hagar. yeah, this kind of drama is in the bible, can you believe it? :) so Hagar becomes pregnant and of course drama ensues... but that's not the point of my story. Sarah and Abraham doubted God's promise - just as i do everyday with the ones he's promised me... and even after they mess everything up, God redeems it - as he always does. God appears to Sarah, years and years after she has stopped menstruating (in fact they think Sarah was around 90 years old when she gave birth to Isaac!) and tells her that she is going to conceive. now hang in here with me because this is where it gets really good! Sarah laughs when the Lord tells her that he is going to open her womb, and the Lord replies to Abraham, "'why did Sarah laugh and say, 'shall i indeed bear a child, now that i am old?' is anything too difficult for the Lord?'"
is anything too difficult for the Lord? in some translations the word, "difficult" translates to the word, "wonderful"...
is anything too wonderful for the Lord?
anything? what are you not trusting the Lord for? nothing is too wonderful for the Lord. nothing. our God is able! i believe Lord! help my unbelief.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
longing
it is safe to say that i have longed for many things in this season: a more consistent job. a child. a house. a dog :). for our loans to be paid off. to be healed. no more pain. to sleep through an entire night consistently throughout the month. for my brother and some dear friends to be saved. but more than ever, i have longed for heaven with more longing than i ever have before...
Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth; for the first heaven and the first earth passed away, and there is no longer any sea. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, made ready as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne, saying, "Behold, the tabernacle of God is among men, and He will dwell among them, and they shall be His people, and God Himself will be among them, and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away." And He who sits on the throne said, "Behold, I am making all things new." And He said, "Write, for these words are faithful and true." Then He said to me, "It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. I will give to the one who thirsts from the spring of the water of life without cost. He who overcomes will inherit these things, and I will be his God and he will be My son."
i can't even begin to imagine what heaven will be like. but it (ironically) brings tears to my eyes to know that God has promised me a place where i won't cry anymore! or long anymore. free from pain. no more illness! no more hurting the ones i love. but will live in perfect harmony with my God, and the ones i love most! oh come back even now Lord Jesus this minute! glory to God for promising me this place i don't deserve.
Friday, April 22, 2011
hope against hope
this weekend, part of our sermon was about praying expectantly. i feel like this is something the Lord is definitely refining me in. although i don't exactly know what it looks like to pray expectantly, i feel like God is definitely beginning to reveal to me what it means. my problem is that when i start to pray expectantly, i inadvertently put my hope in the thing i'm praying for. for instance, when i pray for a job, or for pregnancy, i put my hope in whether or not God is going to answer that prayer, and then am thoroughly disappointed and sad when he doesn't. and then i become frustrated with prayer, and don't understand why we even pray for anything at all... and this is exactly where Satan wants me, you see? disappointed. sad. frustrated. hopeless... not good! the Enemy would want me to give up on making my requests known before my Abba Father. here's the thing though. we aren't to put our hope in the thing we're praying for - we are to put our hope in the One we're praying to. when we make our requests known to the Lord, but then step back and expectantly wait on Jesus - the Author and Perfecter of our faith - we are never disappointed. ephesians 3 says:
now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever, amen.
so whether God answers my prayer the exact way i'm hoping he will or not should not determine my emotion toward Him. if my heart is waiting on Christ, and he is who he says he is, and he is able to do far more than i could ever hope or imagine, and he is working all things for my good, and he has a perfect plan for my life - then i can't wait to see how he answers my prayer! and that is praying expectantly. it is still right and good for me to make specific requests made known to our Father - but then i must wait excitedly, with my hope in Him, as to how he will answer, resting in His promises. doesn't that bring your heart peace? praise to Him!
God often comforts me through music. the 'buy now' button on itunes is just too easy... my poor husband didn't know what he was getting himself into when he married me :) this song has brought my heart great comfort lately. i will most likely blog about music a lot. i pray it blesses you too.
Monday, April 4, 2011
caving in...
i titled my first blog this for a couple reasons... first, because i caved in to blogging. i've always been one of those people who thought the people who actually blogged were really cool, but that i never could do it because i don't have much to say, and what little i do have to say no one would really be interested in :) but then the Lord decided to bring me through one of the hardest seasons of my life, thus the second reason why i titled my first blog as such. there have been many times in this season where i have felt like i'm caving in and being broken beyond what i could imagine. but i didn't start this blog to be a downer... but rather to share God's glory in the lessons He has been continually teaching me. may the glory be given back to Him as i share with you the hardship the Lord has brought me through in this last season. i am thankful that i have a God who cares enough for my soul to refine me so deeply to make me more like his Son. i am thankful that He does not leave me in my sin - and that although i wish the lessons i've learned over the past ten months could have been learned by other means, i am thankful that my Father knows best, and knows that perhaps i may have never been the woman of Him i am today if He had not brought me through what He has in the last ten months. so with that said, as i give you a small glimpse into this intense refinement, i pray the Lord encourages you through me, and that ultimately anything i say that encourages you is understood that it has come straight from the Lord, and not any strength of my own. i am so weak! but praise God that he is strong.
for those of you who have not been a part of this journey - here is the gist... i graduated from nursing school almost a year ago ( i can't believe that!). by God's grace, i have a very strong application with the Poudre Valley Health System, which is an outstanding hospital to work for in fort collins. i worked for the system previously as a Certified Nursing Assistant for two years, was selected for their prestigious internship one of the summers i was in nursing school, have two letters of recommendation from nurses who work for their system, and all my references are people who work for the system. strong, right?! yeah that's what i thought too... since may i have applied for at least 75 different jobs - just for the PVHS system - and can't get an interview to save my life!! that doesn't even include the many jobs i have applied for in the surrounding hospitals and clinics, and still not one. single. interview. not one! a wise friend of mine said, "well em, at least the Lord is making it very clear for you honey." which is so true... but why? why go through nursing school? why pass the NCLEX? why Lord? am i not supposed to be a nurse? was i supposed to just have the knowledge? was it just so i could meet the amazing people i did? why can't we pay off our loans faster so we can start the adoption process sooner? although i don't understand and don't have answers to these questions, the Lord has been gracious to comfort me in this season. and for that i am grateful.
around that same time (last may) dave and i decided to stop preventing getting pregnant. oh what an exciting and exhilarating time that was!! until month after month after month passed - and nothing. and still - nothing. so many times i wondered if the Lord was saying no to a job because He was going to make me a mom. but then the next month would come, and i wouldn't be pregnant. and the next rejection letter would come for the job i had applied to. i think i have cried more in this season, than in any other in my life, and i'm not even pregnant! poor dave :) but with all that said, God has been so incredibly gracious to me. He has given me a husband who loves me and supports me so sweetly. my family has been so supportive and understanding, and my friends have loved me so deeply and spoken truth to me when i needed to hear it most. my God is so compassionate and merciful to give me such good gifts in such a difficult season!
there are other things the Lord has said no to me in His wisdom and kindness in this season - but as this first post of mine is getting very extensive, and i have opportunity for other posts, i will further those stories later...
a sweet friend of mine encouraged me to journal through some blessings the Lord has given me lately, and i did, but it didn't quite bring me the comfort i was hoping for. don't get me wrong, i am incredibly thankful for all the things the Lord has given me! but the other day when i was praying, the Spirit led me to pray through all the work the Lord has done in my heart and life in the last ten months - and that encouraged me so greatly!! i encourage you to do the same thing if you too have been in a difficult season. it is such a tangible way to see that these trials the Lord allows are not in vain! He is not absent! so i will leave you with those things, to know that even though this season has been incredibly difficult, God is still on His throne. He loves me. He is working all things for my good. and He has a perfect plan for my life - and for you too.
part of my journal entry from 1/17:
i love you so much Jesus and i thank you for this difficult trial You're bringing me through. You have taught me and continue to teach me so much. You have cleaned so much sin out of my heart. You have taught me to fight hard for truth. You have taught me to pray with persistence and endurance and you have taught me when to just surrender and trust You. You are teaching me to surrender my idols and to love you only and first in my life. you have taught me to take my eyes of my deepest desires and to be thankful for all the blessings you've already given me. You have taught me to fight to put aside all selfishness, covetousness and jealousy and to strive to be happy for the ones around me who you are blessing with the things i want. You have taught me to fight for contentment in this stage of life and to not desire to move onto the next bigger or better thing. You have allowed my heart to break with compassion for those who have prayed much longer than i have for the same things. You are teaching me to be patient and to silently wait for you. You have shown me how sovereign you are over life and wombs and taught me that You open wombs and create life in your own timing while somehow still being compassionate and allowing Your heart to break every month that goes by that you haven't given us a baby. you are amazing! you have molded me so much over these last 8 months and been so loving and patient toward me. thank you that i am not the same person i was 8 months ago because of this trial and testing time in my life.
for those of you who have not been a part of this journey - here is the gist... i graduated from nursing school almost a year ago ( i can't believe that!). by God's grace, i have a very strong application with the Poudre Valley Health System, which is an outstanding hospital to work for in fort collins. i worked for the system previously as a Certified Nursing Assistant for two years, was selected for their prestigious internship one of the summers i was in nursing school, have two letters of recommendation from nurses who work for their system, and all my references are people who work for the system. strong, right?! yeah that's what i thought too... since may i have applied for at least 75 different jobs - just for the PVHS system - and can't get an interview to save my life!! that doesn't even include the many jobs i have applied for in the surrounding hospitals and clinics, and still not one. single. interview. not one! a wise friend of mine said, "well em, at least the Lord is making it very clear for you honey." which is so true... but why? why go through nursing school? why pass the NCLEX? why Lord? am i not supposed to be a nurse? was i supposed to just have the knowledge? was it just so i could meet the amazing people i did? why can't we pay off our loans faster so we can start the adoption process sooner? although i don't understand and don't have answers to these questions, the Lord has been gracious to comfort me in this season. and for that i am grateful.
around that same time (last may) dave and i decided to stop preventing getting pregnant. oh what an exciting and exhilarating time that was!! until month after month after month passed - and nothing. and still - nothing. so many times i wondered if the Lord was saying no to a job because He was going to make me a mom. but then the next month would come, and i wouldn't be pregnant. and the next rejection letter would come for the job i had applied to. i think i have cried more in this season, than in any other in my life, and i'm not even pregnant! poor dave :) but with all that said, God has been so incredibly gracious to me. He has given me a husband who loves me and supports me so sweetly. my family has been so supportive and understanding, and my friends have loved me so deeply and spoken truth to me when i needed to hear it most. my God is so compassionate and merciful to give me such good gifts in such a difficult season!
there are other things the Lord has said no to me in His wisdom and kindness in this season - but as this first post of mine is getting very extensive, and i have opportunity for other posts, i will further those stories later...
a sweet friend of mine encouraged me to journal through some blessings the Lord has given me lately, and i did, but it didn't quite bring me the comfort i was hoping for. don't get me wrong, i am incredibly thankful for all the things the Lord has given me! but the other day when i was praying, the Spirit led me to pray through all the work the Lord has done in my heart and life in the last ten months - and that encouraged me so greatly!! i encourage you to do the same thing if you too have been in a difficult season. it is such a tangible way to see that these trials the Lord allows are not in vain! He is not absent! so i will leave you with those things, to know that even though this season has been incredibly difficult, God is still on His throne. He loves me. He is working all things for my good. and He has a perfect plan for my life - and for you too.
part of my journal entry from 1/17:
i love you so much Jesus and i thank you for this difficult trial You're bringing me through. You have taught me and continue to teach me so much. You have cleaned so much sin out of my heart. You have taught me to fight hard for truth. You have taught me to pray with persistence and endurance and you have taught me when to just surrender and trust You. You are teaching me to surrender my idols and to love you only and first in my life. you have taught me to take my eyes of my deepest desires and to be thankful for all the blessings you've already given me. You have taught me to fight to put aside all selfishness, covetousness and jealousy and to strive to be happy for the ones around me who you are blessing with the things i want. You have taught me to fight for contentment in this stage of life and to not desire to move onto the next bigger or better thing. You have allowed my heart to break with compassion for those who have prayed much longer than i have for the same things. You are teaching me to be patient and to silently wait for you. You have shown me how sovereign you are over life and wombs and taught me that You open wombs and create life in your own timing while somehow still being compassionate and allowing Your heart to break every month that goes by that you haven't given us a baby. you are amazing! you have molded me so much over these last 8 months and been so loving and patient toward me. thank you that i am not the same person i was 8 months ago because of this trial and testing time in my life.
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