perfect timing

so... i haven't written in awhile. part of that was because we didn't have internet for quite some time after moving in and part of it is because i just couldn't bring myself to write. the last few months have been a bit of a harder journey with the Lord (let's just say i had some anger and bitterness in my heart that i didn't even know existed until these last few months...) but God is so graciously bringing me out of that and i am ready to write again.

so just a quick catch up of the last few months - when i encountered my anger stage (for the first time in 16 months) a sweet friend of mine pointed out to me that i may be going through the stages of grief, which i had already OBVIOUSLY thought of on my own being a Human Development and Family Studies major and all... (nope. hadn't thought of that at all. thanks a lot CSU ;)) anyways. as i processed through that thought i felt like so much came together for me. no i haven't experienced the loss of a child, or even a miscarriage, but perhaps i am grieving the possibility of children lost by not being able to maybe ever even have a child. now notice all the disclaimers i put in that sentence- that is because i believe my God is still able! and i am trusting him for that.

dave and i have recently had some testing done at a doctors office here in town. so far, all of the testing has come back completely normal. completely normal. which means that if God has so chosen to, he could have easily given us a baby at any point in this past year and a half. he has a reason for why he has not! and seeing all those results has only confirmed in my heart more than ever that his timing is perfect! he does not delay! he does not make mistakes! he knows exactly what he is doing. and he has planned before the beginning of time, in his perfect sovereignty, my life, dave's life, and and life of the little ones he may or may not give us. God is so incredible!

its amazing how when you go for quite some time without something, you start to question how much you really want it. this month marks 18 months for us. a year and a half of attending baby showers, receiving baby announcements, hearing of pregnancies and then seeing those babies be born... and i am still barren. i feel like as hard as this last year and a half has been at times, i am finally starting to really embrace where God has us. God has given me four and a half incredible years of marriage with my amazing, Christ centered husband and i couldn't ask for more. in fact, lately i've been scared that a baby would really mess that up ;) (of course if we got pregnant, we would be thrilled...) but for now, i'm thankful for sleeping in on the weekends, going to old town and staying up late eating fudge and ice cream, being freed up for ministry with women whom i love and adore, and learning from my friends who have children so that if one day the Lord does decide to give us a baby, we will be able to tell them how much they were prayed for and how excited we are to have them.

this verse really spoke to me a little while ago. at several points in the last few months i have bought into the lie that God's word has nothing to offer and that it won't comfort me anymore. oh man this could not be further from the truth! for all of you who God is calling to wait on him for something- trust him! surrender! fight to be in his word daily! he is worthy! keep asking! he wants your heart. and in his perfect timing - he will answer. it may not be yes - but he will answer. and his answer is always worth waiting for.

"From of old no one has heard
   or perceived by the ear,
no eye has seen a God besides you,
   who acts for those who wait for him"

::isaiah 64:4::