caving in...

i titled my first blog this for a couple reasons... first, because i caved in to blogging. i've always been one of those people who thought the people who actually blogged were really cool, but that i never could do it because i don't have much to say, and what little i do have to say no one would really be interested in :) but then the Lord decided to bring me through one of the hardest seasons of my life, thus the second reason why i titled my first blog as such. there have been many times in this season where i have felt like i'm caving in and being broken beyond what i could imagine. but i didn't start this blog to be a downer... but rather to share God's glory in the lessons He has been continually teaching me. may the glory be given back to Him as i share with you the hardship the Lord has brought me through in this last season. i am thankful that i have a God who cares enough for my soul to refine me so deeply to make me more like his Son. i am thankful that He does not leave me in my sin - and that although i wish the lessons i've learned over the past ten months could have been learned by other means, i am thankful that my Father knows best, and knows that perhaps i may have never been the woman of Him i am today if He had not brought me through what He has in the last ten months. so with that said, as i give you a small glimpse into this intense refinement, i pray the Lord encourages you through me, and that ultimately anything i say that encourages you is understood that it has come straight from the Lord, and not any strength of my own. i am so weak! but praise God that he is strong.

for those of you who have not been a part of this journey - here is the gist... i graduated from nursing school almost a year ago ( i can't believe that!). by God's grace, i have a very strong application with the Poudre Valley Health System, which is an outstanding hospital to work for in fort collins. i worked for the system previously as a Certified Nursing Assistant for two years, was selected for their prestigious internship one of the summers i was in nursing school, have two letters of recommendation from nurses who work for their system, and all my references are people who work for the system. strong, right?! yeah that's what i thought too... since may i have applied for at least 75 different jobs - just for the PVHS system - and can't get an interview to save my life!! that doesn't even include the many jobs i have applied for in the surrounding hospitals and clinics, and still not one. single. interview. not one! a wise friend of mine said, "well em, at least the Lord is making it very clear for you honey." which is so true... but why? why go through nursing school? why pass the NCLEX? why Lord? am i not supposed to be a nurse? was i supposed to just have the knowledge? was it just so i could meet the amazing people i did? why can't we pay off our loans faster so we can start the adoption process sooner? although i don't understand and don't have answers to these questions, the Lord has been gracious to comfort me in this season. and for that i am grateful.

around that same time (last may) dave and i decided to stop preventing  getting pregnant. oh what an exciting and exhilarating time that was!! until month after month after month passed - and nothing. and still - nothing. so many times i wondered if the Lord was saying no to a job because He was going to make me a mom. but then the next month would come, and i wouldn't be pregnant. and the next rejection letter would come for the job i had applied to. i think i have cried more in this season, than in any other in my life, and i'm not even pregnant! poor dave :) but with all that said, God has been so incredibly gracious to me. He has given me a husband who loves me and supports me so sweetly. my family has been so supportive and understanding, and my friends have loved me so deeply and spoken truth to me when i needed to hear it most. my God is so compassionate and merciful to give me such good gifts in such a difficult season!

there are other things the Lord has said no to me in His wisdom and kindness in this season - but as this first post of mine is getting very extensive, and i have opportunity for other posts, i will further those stories later...

a sweet friend of mine encouraged me to journal through some blessings the Lord has given me lately, and i did, but it didn't quite bring me the comfort i was hoping for. don't get me wrong, i am incredibly thankful for all the things the Lord has given me! but the other day when i was praying, the Spirit led me to pray through all the work the Lord has done in my heart and life in the last ten months - and that encouraged me so greatly!! i encourage you to do the same thing if you too have been in a difficult season. it is such a tangible way to see that these trials the Lord allows are not in vain! He is not absent! so i will leave you with those things, to know that even though this season has been incredibly difficult, God is still on His throne. He loves me. He is working all things for my good. and He has a perfect plan for my life - and for you too.

part of my journal entry from 1/17:

i love you so much Jesus and i thank you for this difficult trial You're bringing me through. You have taught me and continue to teach me so much. You have cleaned so much sin out of my heart. You have taught me to fight hard for truth. You have taught me to pray with persistence and endurance and you have taught me when to just surrender and trust You. You are teaching me to surrender my idols and to love you only and first in my life. you have taught me to take my eyes of my deepest desires and to be thankful for all the blessings you've already given me. You have taught me to fight to put aside all selfishness, covetousness and jealousy and to strive to be happy for the ones around me who you  are blessing with the things i want. You have taught me to fight for contentment in this stage of life and to not desire to move onto the next bigger or better thing. You have allowed my heart to break with compassion for those who have prayed much longer than i have for the same things. You are teaching me to be patient and to silently wait for you. You have shown me how sovereign you are over life and wombs and taught me that You open wombs and create life in your own timing while somehow still being compassionate and allowing Your heart to break every month that goes by that you haven't given us a baby. you are amazing! you have molded me so much over these last 8 months and been so loving and patient toward me. thank you that i am not the same person i was 8 months ago because of this trial and testing time in my life.