::faithful::

our pastor this weekend challenged us to reflect back over the year and think of all the ways God has been faithful to us...

i realize i have not posted a blog since march. there are several reasons why i haven't. i have wondered whether or not i should share the trials of this year with you all - but i feel that the Lord has been faithful in the midst of it. and any opportunity to bring him glory is a good opportunity, right? so here goes...

i want to share some of the context of how this year has refined both my husband and i. but i do not want that to be the focus. my prayer is that you will praise God for his faithfulness, mercy and compassion at the end of this post. but it is necessary to know the context of what we have been brought through in order to know how great He is.

2012 kicked off with the death of my grandfather. we lost him in february, and he is now in such a sweeter place. but his loss was devastating. he was the first grandparent i had ever lost. i love and miss him very much. that loss was soon followed by the death of my other grandfather- my mom's dad. there was only about five weeks between the deaths.

however, i did not have much time to grieve, as soon after, my sweet husband was diagnosed with lupus. this came as a complete blow to us. it was as if the rug had been completely swept out from underneath our feet. he had been having some on and off pains and other minor symptoms for months. but in february, his symptoms worsened - including chest pain that was inhibiting him from being able to get up off the couch and daily severe joint pain. we went to the doctor hoping that his aches and pains were from normal activity... but the nurse in me knew it couldn't be so. in my head, the worse i could come up with was rheumatoid arthritis. we were praying that it was not RA. the doctor did not seem worried. she put our minds at rest saying he was a healthy guy and that it was most likely just minor aches and pains. but she thought it'd be safe to run some blood tests just in case. we could not believe the words she said as she spoke them over the phone to us, "i am 95% sure you have lupus. i'm so sorry. i will refer you to a rhemuatologist."

now i know what you are thinking... what in the world is lupus!? those were my thoughts exactly. even as a nurse the only things i could think of about lupus was that dehydration caused flare ups and it primarily effected ethnic women. so how could it be lupus, right? there was no history of it in dave's family and he's about the whitest boy on the planet (and the handsomest too :)). but as the next few weeks unraveled, his diagnosis proved true. you see, lupus is an autoimmune disease that can effect any part of your body. where as with chron's disease, your digestive tract is effected - or with RA your joints are effected - lupus is a free for all. it can effect your heart, lungs, kidneys, skin and so on. and we saw the damaging effects it can have as my amazing husband suffered through his first flare up just days after we received his diagnosis. i will not go into great detail, but some of the things he suffered included nightly fevers of 102 or greater, joint swelling beyond recognition, weight loss, trips to the ER, nights of vomiting... it went on for weeks and weeks. it seems so unreal now to even think that all happened. even now i think "you don't really have lupus..." but then sure enough he'll get a little flare up and prove that he really does.

in the midst of this diagnosis, we are still barren. a few months after dave was diagnosed, the doctor i've been seeing thought it would be best for me to have surgery (i did not know that endometriosis can destroy organs if left untreated!) the doctor thought that i may have endometriosis but was not sure. i didn't know if i wanted to put my body through surgery - but as stated above i also didn't want to take the risk of endometriosis damaging my organs if indeed that was what i had. and boy was it ever what i had! after an hour and a half under the knife the doctor had removed profuse amounts of endometriosis from my little body. they were hopeful we'd conceive within six months of my surgery. but here we are five months out, and yet, no baby.

so whew. deep breath. i realize that's a lot to soak in. and that's just the big stuff. we've also endured dave's dad losing his job, my parent's losing their 3 year old pup just a week before christmas, and a church family crisis that has rocked our world. not to mention the fires, the shootings and all the sadness outside our little world... (is Jesus coming back yet or what?? :))

so where is Jesus in the midst of all this? where was God in 2012? you see if you haven't given up reading this incredibly long post by now, you just got to the best part... here's the sweetest things i've seen in the midst of our hardship:

• when my first grandfather died, his mind was completely intact. i got to tell him that i loved him and what an incredible grandfather he was. and the Lord was merciful and took him quickly. we had the sweetest conversation about Jesus and heaven a few weeks before he died, and i know that's where he is now. probably fishin.
• when my second grandfather died, it brought back family who i had not seen in a long time. his memorial service was very sweet and i was able to connect with people i hadn't seen in years.
• when dave received his diagnosis, so many of the little pieces came together of why the Lord did not allow for us to have children yet. there were so many days when he was so sick where he needed my one on one attention. one night when we were driving back from the ER at 3 am, he took my hand and said, "well sweetie, at least we don't have an infant at home." he was so right. i could stop and praise God that he knew in his sovereignty that my sweet husband was going to need every last bit of me during that month and a half- and i'm thankful that i was able to offer him my undivided love, prayer and heart.
• when dave's dad lost his job, God provided quickly through his armed services retirement fund. the time off has actually allowed him to think through what he wants to do for a job and it has actually blessed him more than he ever thought it could.
• when i had my surgery in august, the dr was scared he may not be able to get all of the scar tissue out. and not only was he able to, i suffered zero damage to either of my ovaries or tubes which is one of the biggest risks of endometriosis and its surgery. it brings tears to my eyes thinking about that even now.
• since dave's flare up in april, his medication has been effective in keeping him from having any other flares. he has had multiple days where he has been completely symptom free. we are slowly but surely figuring out his specific triggers that send him into flare ups. and by God's grace we hope we will never experience one again!
• the crisis we've gone through as a church body seems to only have strengthened our church. we have a long road ahead, but God's glory has been so evident through his people.

• oh and also, we have paid every medical bill, paid off our loans, and had a getaway surprise trip to the cayman islands in november. we are so blessed by our family, friends and loved ones who have shown us deep support and love this year.

now how's that for faithful?? our God is an awesome, awesome God. and although its been one of the hardest years of my life- i can say i love Jesus more now, at the end of 2012, than i ever have before. i trust him in every way. and i know, that even though i don't always see it, he is working all things for my good. because i love him. be encouraged that God uses even the hardest things to refine us and to make us look more like his Son. and there is no one else i'd rather look like. it is only by God's grace that i can look back over this year and praise him for all we've been through. i am thankful! what a faithful God we serve!

if you would like to find out more about lupus please go to this website: www.lupus.org it is accurate and credible. or feel free to ask dave and i questions! 

also i love this song. i feel like it captures our year well. i hope you like it too :) happy new year to all of you!