::discouraged hope::

if i admit it, i'm pretty discouraged about dave and my infertility right now. this whole journey has been quite the process and my heart has been on quite the roller coaster for the last 3 years. i started out so excited (as any woman would) when we first started trying. as the months went on and my other friends were getting pregnant and then having their babies, and we were still not pregnant, my heart grew depressed. there were many sleepless nights and many tears shed. i doubted my own relationship with the Lord. i even doubted his existence. i experienced anger, and bitterness. by God's grace, i was never consumed. my emotions always came and went. there were more days of joy then there were of sorrow. but the days of sorrow still existed.

my feelings then developed into questions of, "do we even want children?" dave and i would be happy to hang out with our other friends' kids and then be even happier to take off at the end of the night and go to our own bed and sleep. and go on date nights. and leave for the weekend whenever we wanted to. i believe during this time the Lord really revealed to me that if he were to never give us children, that we would be ok. that the Lord's grace is sufficient. that he really satisfies my soul. that i could happily spend the rest of my days with dave, and only dave, and be the happiest, most blessed girl on the planet. i am so thankful the Lord let us experience this stage in this process.

but when i am still. when i really let my heart tell me what it wants. i know i desire to have a family. sure, kids are hard. i'm watching many of my friends deal with temper tantrums, sleepless nights, potty training, sacrificing their social life and so on... and i know that will not be easy. but i also know sitting around a christmas tree without a family, never attending a high school homecoming game, never getting to see my parents hold their grandchild, never watching dave read to our little ones before bed... will be so much harder. when i get to the root of it, i want a family. i really do.

they still can't explain our infertility. that's one of the hardest parts in this journey. its not like they can say, "here, take this pill" and ::bam:: we get pregnant. the Lord, for now, has decided to close my womb. i can say that without being sad - but it is still discouraging. a few months ago, dave and i decided to start the adoption process. after starting with an agency to adopt through ethiopia, there were some rules in the country that we weren't very excited about. furthermore, because of legal chaos, adoptions are taking 3-5 years to close in ethiopia. so last night we decided to look into uganda with a different agency. however, in their rules it declares that we cannot undergo any infertility treatments while adopting through them. in order to be the best parents to our adopted child we must "fully let go of the dream we have of having biological children." we also must be in "good" health (so we don't know if dave would qualify with his lupus). we also must give an update letter and pictures every 6 months to the country until the child is 18. we also must travel back to uganda every 3-5 years with our child.... are you kidding me?? seriously! we just want a baby! could you imagine if they had these stipulations for just getting pregnant?!? no one would ever have children!! :)

adoption is wonderful, but it doesn't replace being able to have a child of your own. its incredible how many people have tried to comfort me in this season with, "well, aren't you guys going to adopt?" i know their heart is to comfort me and i'm thankful - but reality is that it is not the same. they are very different. adoption is turning out to be so very complicated.

the whole thing is so complicated. i don't get it. why is it so hard for dave and i to have a baby? i've heard many of the answers - and i'm not trying to say this in a "know-it-all" kind of way... i'm just saying that i know the Lord has a reason. i know he's refining us and making us look more like his Son. but right now, it just sucks. i'm just discouraged. i'm not sad (although i have done my fair share of crying in the last few days... :)) i'm just bummed. why is it so easy for so many to have a family? i'm not asking to be pregnant this month or even next month... i'm just hoping that maybe the Lord will allow dave and i to experience the joy of getting pregnant and having a baby. and right now, it just seems like that will never happen. .

will you pray for us? will you pray that one day we would be able to have children? both adopted and biological. will you pray the Lord would continue to keep us in this carefully balanced state of contentment and desire? that desire wouldn't consume and that hope wouldn't crush. that we would look to the Lord first and foremost - and trust him even when it doesn't make sense to us. we would be so thankful.  we're so thankful for all of you and the ways so many of you have walked with us through this journey. we are so blessed.

::humbled::

it can be a dangerous thing to ask "why". my husband gently reminded me of this not too long ago. and it is especially dangerous to ask "why" of our Maker. you see because, we never really know why. we never really know why He does what He does. scripture tells us his ways are not our ways, and that the Lord sits on his throne and does what He pleases. even when we think we know why He's done what He's done, we most likely do not. He is a mysterious God who is jealous for his glory.

now if you can safely ask why, and it causes you to worship, then more power to ya. you ask "why" all you want. but for me, "why" is a very dangerous question... for me, the simple little word leads my heart to frustration, confusion, angst and doubt.

i've openly admitted that in the last three years i've struggled with trusting the Lord's plan for my life. i often ask why the Lord has allowed what he has, as if i deserve better... when the truth of the matter is i don't deserve anything the Lord has chosen to give me, whether gifts or redeemed trials. what i deserve is eternal separation from our Creator- and he has graciously extended mercy to me, and then offers multiple gifts upon that mercy. undeserving. that's what we are. that's what i am.

it takes several perspective shifts in my thoughts to remind myself of these truths. God is in control. God loves me. God has a perfect plan for my life. some days are easier than others. know that you are not alone if you struggle with believing these promises. especially if the Lord has allowed several trials in your life. these truths are even hard to believe when we're not experiencing hardship.

when we rest in these truths, we don't really need to know why God has allowed certain things to happen- because we're already believing its for our best. because he loves us. because he's in control. because its part of his perfect plan. because he's jealous for his glory. that's why.